Sunday, December 16, 2007


I've had a recurring dream lately.

In the dream, I'm going up into this room in a tree house. It's a room I've been in before, but now the staircase is much harder to navigate and it becomes clear that I'm going to have trouble getting up around the stairwell.

Last night, In my dream, I tried and got stuck. I didn't push too hard because I didn't want to end up like Pooh in the picture above: half-in and half-out.

I'm sure that there is a deeper level to my dream, but the surface message is that I feel too big. I'm the biggest I've ever been and this time I've gained it around my stomach and arms and in my thighs (why does it never go to my breasts where I might be able to move up to a bigger see I can rarely find a 42B or 42C, but if I could just get to a D cup, then I'd have no problems finding a 42D).

Clothes fit not so well and I don't like to wear uncomfortable clothes. I confessed to S that I was worried that he was not attracted to me anymore. This is patently silly, since he really has not changed his behavior. But I think what I was saying is that I don't think I'm attractive and I can't imagine him doing so either.

I want to find myself attractive. Because I'm really not willing to diet anymore. There is too much evidence I'm finding that leads me to believe that dieting does dreadful things to our bodies and can cause us to get fatter in the long run. I want to learn this intuitive eating bit and really embrace my body. But it is so hard to do. I feel stuck. Can anyone unstuck me?

Thursday, December 6, 2007


I got an e-mail from a friend today. It had the tagline "Because I care..." Then it was this:

Heaven has sent you an angel.

Heaven didn't want her, so they sent her to me. I don't want her, so I'm sending her to you!

I responded, of course I did:

"Hey there: I know that this e-mail was supposed to be silly andfunny, but to someone who is obese, it feels a little like it's making fun of me and people my size. My body doesn't look like that, but S' body looks very similar. I find her beautiful. I'm not sending this to make you feel bad but to hopefully just raise your awareness that such things can impact people in another way. So I'll be keeping this angel because I want her. Peace, Spins"

Now that I've sent it, I wish I'd worded it more strongly. I was so horrified at this. I can't believe that someone could send this and not see how offensive it was. Even more so because the woman in the picture is so obviously fierce and proud of her body.

I recently had an experience with the person where I was left feeling invisible. I thought this was a random experience that was partly due to miscommunication. But again, I feel invisible and I wonder if the appelation of friend is appropriate, if she cannot really see me.

I hope, at least, that she can see what I wrote and take it in.